Nuggets from the Fire

I am doing okay today.  I have slept alot and shopped a little with the boys…we only have shorts so since it is getting cold lately it was time to shop.  I don’t feel great and I am still a little achey but overall I am able to get around.  It does seem to be taking a bit longer to bounce back this time but a little longer for my bad day to start.  So it is not much worse than last time only a little longer.  In some ways it isn’t as bad…the symptoms are not as pronounced other than the achey feeling.  The shot also added to that so that may be why it is lasting a bit longer.  I had a massage yesterday so I do feel more relaxed and less tense.  That is a good thing. 

I live at the foot of a mountain and I love it.  I bask in the views all around me each day as I go to work or play.  I love to watch the mist rise in the morning casting shadows and rainbows across the ridges and valleys.  It is a wonderful place.  Somehow, it calls my attention to God in a way that I cannot describe. I think it is the steadfastness of the mountains that makes me feel the awesome power that Moses must have felt as he climbed to seek God face to face. 

The weather today was so gorgeous that I was drawn to nature again.  So many times the Lord speaks to me through the beauty of creation.  The leaves are just starting to turn on the mountain and that gives off a slightly orange hue as the sun shines down on the trees.  The sky is a crisp clear blue with wispy white clouds that move slowly across the blue expanse.  I am struck by how the mountain, though it changes, is always there.  It does not move. It is solid and steadfast.  If my life is turned upside down, the mountain is there.  It towers over me reminding me that God is immovable.  He does not change or blow away with the wind.  When I take the beauty around me for granted, God is faithful to remain visible to me…in the mountain. 

Today is a yucky day.  I don’t feel very good but I want to do things that need to be done.  I don’t have the energy to do them…so I don’t…I just look at all I would like to do and wish the energy was there.  I don’t feel like eating but I have to.  It is soup mostly and these really good smoothies made with cottage cheese and berries.  I slept until10:30 and showered only to be tired again.  I am sore and have a headache.  I take tylenol for both problems…and maybe a nap?  I think the soreness was worse this morning than now so maybe it is lifting already.  I can walk and talk and sit and rest…but beyond that I am not up to much.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

My favorite season is the fall.  The crisp air and the colorful leaves call me out of the house and into nature.  I think of winding mountain roads, antique stores, and roadside stands with the smell of boiled peanuts.  I love to hike to waterfalls with a picnic and to go to fall festivals to stroll through the booths in search of some great deal.  The cooler weather has been wonderful this week as the leaves begin to change here in the mountains.  I find myself excited about the change of seasons.  I have been feeling good, so evening walks are a great outlet…as long as they are on flat ground. 

It has not been lost on me that the leaves are falling at the same time as my hair is falling out.  Somehow, God has a sense of humor even in the seasons of my life.  My hair will fall out in the fall and I will be bare in the winter.  In the spring, my new hair will sprout.  Even in God’s humor, I find myself hopeful because the seasons always change.  I will not be stuck in one season…one always follows the other.  A season of loss will always be followed by a season of growth.  Seasons are linked to one another both in nature and in life.  That in itself is reason to look forward.  I am going to enjoy each season as I press through.  I am not going to let my current exhaustion hold me back from this autumn season.  I will rest when I need to and continue to enjoy the fall even as my hair falls out.  I am committed to allow this cycle of life to cause new growth in my life…and I can’t wait for the spring!

I am feeling pretty good today.  I worked out at curves this morning.  I felt like I had energy and wanted to clean house…but then I got home and didn’t do it.  I rested instead.  I went to do a presentation tonight for a masters class at North Ga. with some teachers from our school. It was fun but I am wiped out.  No pain yet!!! That is a good thing.  Right now I am just tired.  I go get my shot tomorrow to up my white count. 

Jessica came to visit during chemo yesterday and she sent me these pictures.  Click on the View from the Chair album in the sidebar.  She is my offical photojournalist…since I would never take pictures of myself!  I haven’t had the courage to let her take a bald one yet…why should I since my wig looks so great!  Maybe once I get used to the shiny look I will post one…we will see.

I had a meltdown today.  It seems that my port is difficult to find…just like my veins.  After trying several times it was too inflamed to get it soooooo guess what?  They had to find an IV sight.  It was between my wrist and my hand once they got it…it took awhile but only one collapse then they were in.  The problem was that every time I moved my right hand the tube kinked and the machine hovering over me beeped that I was not getting my full dose.  So I had to keep my right hand immobilized the whole time, meaning that Bill, God bless him, had to help me in the bathroom…it is hard to use only your left hand, you should try it sometime.  On top of all of this my dam broke and I couldn’t stop crying.  I have had enough of this stuff already!  If they could just get it in easily it wouldn’t be so bad but this needle thing is tormenting me…and my fears. 

Once I was all connected and had swallowed the anxiety medicine they put under my tongue I felt much better. 

I saw the doc today and he says I am healing both internally and externally.  That was good to hear.  He worked on my incision some but by now I had benedryl pulsing through my veins so I was a happy, groggy camper.  He also removed a mole from under my armpit because the chemo had made it irritated.  One shot of pain killer and he knifed it right off.  All in all he said my blood looked good and I am healing!!  Good report. The medicines went in today with much less effects.  I was good and groggy but it didn’t burn or tingle like last time. I did have to have an insulin shot…Bill had fun doing it for me. My white count was in the low normal rage and while that is good for this treatment, it will not come up enough by next treatment so I have to go to the hospital Wed. for a shot.  Next week I return to the hospital for a test to find my port…they shoot dye in my body and see how it goes through the port.  They say they may be able to manipulate it while they are watching it…I don’t know about you but that sounds like a double anxiety pill day to me!

My friend Jessica came today to sit with me and visit.  I think I was kind of out of it some of the time but it was nice to attempt a conversation!  She is one of my greatest cheerleaders.  She took some pictures and so I should have some posted soon…with the wig.  Maybe later I will get up my nerve to show you my shiny head…but not today. 

I also had some beautiful music my husband put on a CD for me to listen to.  He has been meaning to record some of his music for years and now I finally have it. (Thanks Heather for pushing him to get it done.)  I slept to that peaceful music as I rested.  It makes me feel like I am home and far away from needles and medicines.  It draws me to the Lord…even in the midst of a difficult day. It was a wonderful blessing.  Now to bed to sleep this day away and start another one tomorrow in the beautiful weather we are having!  One day at a time….

Pray for my kids…two are fighting sinus infections and sore throats.  That could be bad for me if I pick up the germs.  Also I have chemo tomorrow.  I dread it but know that it will be one more behind me.  Dad is better, Bill’s dad is better.  That is a relief for all.  Your prayers are being answered daily around here and I love to see how God listens to all of you.  He is faithful to answer you when you ask him on my behalf.  We are grateful for all of our praying friends!

The nature of God is such a huge topic it is overwhelming to try to fathom it.  But I heard a tape recently that has sparked my mind into action.  I am trying to get my mind around the depth of God’s amazing character; after all if I am going to be transformed into the image of Christ I should know what that means exactly.  When I think of his nature, I think of grace, joy, peace, love, righteousness, compassion, goodness and about a million other traits of his that I would like to have.  Some of these areas have been made real to me over the years as I have walked with him through life.  Others I still struggle to comprehend fully. 

The tape I heard talked about how our actions reflect how much of God’s nature we understand.  If we really have an understanding of his grace, forgiving others will come more easily for us.  If we really know his love for us, our insecurity and fear of rejection will not be an issue.  The key is seeing what areas we struggle in…that is the place we need a new revelation of God’s nature and each new circumstance of life is an opportunity to grow in that place.  For example, if you get cancer it is an opportunity to grow in the nature of God’s sovereignty and to gain a revelation of his healing.  It can strengthen the areas you already know of him, like facing the fear with the reality of his love for you.  Knowing his kindness dispels the idea that he is a God that strikes us down with disease. He is good, therefore what he does in my life is also good.  His nature is unending.  His character is immeasurable.  That gives us unlimited opportunities to experience who he is…for now and for eternity. 

I have good news and bad news today…the bad first.  My dad was taken to the hospital again today.  He woke feeling light headed.  He recognized the signs of high blood pressure and took some medicine…nothing.  Thought it might be his heart, so he took some nitro…better.  Went to the hospital for the day.  Eventually they found another blood pressure medicine that got his blood pressure under control.  The heart guy says sometimes after the proceedure he had this week blood pressure spikes a few days after.  Now that he has medicine and is under control he is on his way home…

The good news is that they called today and said my blood work looked fine…no shots!  I get to have treatment as scheduled which keeps me on the schedule to be finished by Christmas.  That is a big relief for me.  I am not exactly looking forward to treatment, but after Monday that is one less treatment I will have to have!  I am moving forward ever so slowly.  I am feeling pretty good…I can finish this race because God is good…more on that later…

My hair is falling out.  My scalp is hurting, kind of like a bad sunburn.  I look like a patch work quilt with alternating hairless areas stuck between the sploches of hair that are 1/4 inch long.  It is quite an interesting look. I was just getting used to having a crew cut and now this. Let’s just say I am glad that I have such a great wig!  It is alarming to look down and see eyelashes and eyebrows all over the front of my shirt.  I knew it was coming and overall it hasn’t really shaken me but it is kind of sad to see it actually happen in front of my eyes.  I am glad that I had it shaved early because it gave me a chance to get used to it being super short before I became shiny.  I choose see it as part of the process of healing.  When I look at it like that I can get through it…with a smile and a laugh.