Nuggets from the Fire

Would it surprise you to hear that I am in the hosptial as I write this?  It shouldn’t.  You know I couldn’t have a surgery without some kind of complication.  It seems that the surgery worked soooo well that I cannot go to the bathroom.  I was admited and have been trying to go for the past 24 hours.  Each time I try first then they go in an drain what I couldn’t.  It started out that I was going about 50cc’s and they would take 1000cc’s.  Now I am going 400cc’s and they are draining 550.  Please pray that my body will do what it is supposed to so that I can go home.  We are tired. 

The surgery went well. The waking up was much smoother than last time.  However, there has been a slight complication.  I cannot go to the bathroom on my own.  I have been trying to relax all day.  They finally drained my bladder of 1250 ccs.  Now I feel so much better!  But since I cannot do it on my own yet I will be staying the night.  My doctor will be in tomorrow to find out what the problem is.  They had kind of prepared me for this…by asking that I bring an overnight bag “just in case.”  I did and so I am here until I can go on my own.  Two of my kids leave for a mission trip in the morning early.  I hate that I will miss the send off but nothing can be done.  The good news is that the incisions they made are not giving me too much trouble pain wise.  I am sore and will probably be more so to next to days to so…but once I can go I think this will not be too bad of a recovery.  Keep praying..

That old foe fear is back.  I guess it goes with surgery and medical things.  I am remembering waking up from my last surgery.  It was scary because I was awake in my head but my body was totally asleep.  It was like being trapped inside myself.  I know that is probably normal but at the time panic would rise because no one could tell that I was awake.  I determined that I will always talk to people in comas because of this experience.  I don’t want to do this surgery…but I have to.  I know it is not as major but irrational fear doesn’t care about that.  I am probably most worried about the IV.  Last week they tried to get blood from me and I still have a bruse.  That vein is no good for tomorrow…so that is one less chance they have to find a place for the IV.  And I guess that deep inside if I really look at it, I am secretly worried that he will find something bad.  I think last years surgery and the fact that it was supposed to be one thing and it turned out to be much more has me anxious.  I know, I know…be anxious for nothing but enter everything with prayer and supplication.  I am trying…I really am.  That is a hard scripture to live out!

I keep thinking that tomorrow night at this time I will be through!  My bladder will be fixed and my port will be out!  July 7th is my one year anniversary of my diagnosis.  Can you believe it has been one year?!  In one way it seems soooo much longer than that…in another way it seems like it all happened so fast.  I choose to focus on the positive not the fear.  I will be fine and all will go well tomorrow, I keep professing that over myself.  But if you feel like praying I’d be grateful!

One side note…Aaron got his drivers license today!  That is a whole different kind of fear altogether!

Fourteen years ago yesterday I was having a little blonde haired, blue eyed baby boy.  I remember it as if it was yesterday.  I was having contractions every morning from 4-6.  One morning I told Bill that “if we go to the hospital when I am having contractions they will keep me.”  So we got up and went in.  I was expecting the contractions to stop at 6 as they always did, but they didn’t!  I kept on walking and by lunch William was born.  It was probably my easiest labor delivery.  He was 9lbs. 14 oz.  Sounds big but he was actually smaller than Aaron so he had no trouble getting here.  Aaron still likes to say he paved the way for his brothers!  To think that next year this time William will be getting a learners license in a scary thought.  How do they grow up so fast??? 

We took two kids to camp yesterday.  They will be gone for 2 weeks.  It was a fast turnaround to come in on Wednesday and then take them to camp on Sunday.  I have been up to my ears in laundry and we are all struggling with being on Georgia time.  I don’t know why, but coming east takes so long to adjust to.  The boys were excited to get to camp though so that made up for the trouble of getting ready.  They already made new friends and reconnected with old ones from last year.  William signed up for a drumline class….should be interesting.  They will have fun and hopefully will not even think about me or cancer or surgery or sickness.  I want them to have fun and be kids while they are there.

     I hate to say it but I went for my pre-op and found myself struggling with resentment.  I hate the fact that I have come back from this amazing trip to Alaska into a medical situation with my body.  It is funny how quickly we go back to thinking that this life is our own.  I did not like being back at a doctors office, or a hospital where I had to wait for someone to stick me with a needle.  I want to be finished, and today I realized that I am not.  I had to hear all the stuff about surgery next week.  The realization that I will have to be put to sleep and be on pain medicine again became clear.  I know that this surgery is minor compared to what I have been through, but I found myself angry that I have to do it at all. 

     It took a concentrated effort on my part to get back to the go with the flow, flexible state I had to live in during treatment. Once I got over the imposition of having to wait, I was happy to see that I could go back to that state easily.  My resentment was short lived as I began to see that my life is still not mine to control.  It was a refresher course to see how much I have retained of what I have learned.  I pray that I will allow God to again do the work he has for me and that I will respond with peace, resting in his hands.

We made it home!  Home sweet home!  I loved our trip and wouldn’t trade it for anything but I am glad to be back in my own house.  The laundry has begun…William and Peter leave for camp on Saturday. My mission is to have them back on east coast time and all their laundry done by then.  I have already started the laundry and I am trying to make them stay up to 10:00 tonight.  It could be tough though since we barely slept at all last night on the plane.  It will take several days to get back to a somewhat normal routine…I am tired…happy tired.

This morning we went on a historical tour of Denali .  It was a brisk morning to walk the trails of the park.  Soon the sun came out, so we explored further as we waited for our train to arrive.  The temperature was in the high 60’s and the sun was out.  We had to shed our layers as we walked.  A light breeze was refreshing throughout the day.

            Then we rode a train into Fairbanks .  The ride was in a domed car so we could see all the way.  We had a wonderful dinner on the train to celebrate our last night in Alaska .  It was a wonderful finale.  Tomorrow we plan to sleep in and visit some local sights in Fairbanks before heading to the airport at 10:45pm.  Our flight leaves at 12:35 am. 

We have had a wonderful time but we are all very tired.  The sun does not set and it is amazing how hard that makes it to sleep even with thick curtains.  In two days, it is the Summer Soltace…a big day here as it is the longest day of the summer.  They have a midnight baseball game that is played without lights…because the sun is up all night. Peter is disappointed that we will not be here for that.  Other than that, we are all ready to be home in our own beds and to sleep for a few days. I cannot wait to show you all the pictures we have taken…it has been a trip of a lifetime.  Thanks for coming along for the ride!

When we took off there was a light rain falling.  It is kind of like summer showers at home…they come for a while and you can see that not to far away it is still sunny.  The temperature has been very comfortable since we have been on land.  We were concerned that our flight-seeing trip would be cloudy and rainy.  However, we had an excellent pilot that knew where and how to go to avoid the rain.  Once we were up around 10,000 feet we didn’t see another drop until we landed.

I cannot begin to tell you how amazing this trip was.  At first, the mountains were black covered with green moss about half way to the top.  Many were orange, like what you might see at the Grand Canyon .  We found out through our headsets that volcanoes and earthquakes formed much of this area.  As we moved along the Alaskan Mountain Range, they got bigger.  They were like zebras, black with white stripes of snow and ice.  Taller and taller they grew until all we could see was a sea of black striped mountains.  Next, the mountains became all white on the tops, then all the way down, until we finally reached “the great one” called Denali by the natives, later named Mount McKinley by a politician.   Mt. McKinley towers above everything in the area, guarding the land as a massive immoveable mountain of ice.  It creates the weather that surrounds it.  On this day, the sun was sparkling on the glacial ice packed onto the peak.  It was one of the rare days that the mountain was showing itself.  We were the benefactors.  It was blinding to look at and yet you could not look away.  It was too beautiful. 

Clouds were beneath us and blended into the snow making a great white sea with mountain peaks as islands.  In the center stood Denali 8,000 feet above all the others.  Our pilot was an expert at the approach and circling of the mountain.  Mere words cannot describe the beauty in every direction.  It was breathtaking.  As we wove in and out of the peaks, the views became more stunning around each turn.  In all of this, I was again amazed at the hugeness of our God.  My first thought was that cancer is really quite little in the largeness that is God. The mountains dwarf all that is around them…they have stood for thousands of years and will stand for thousands more as a testimony to God’s steadfastness. My life is but a breath on this earth, but an eternity after…the mountains are a reminder that God is forever. 

The rapids rush swiftly from the glaciers down the mountains, sending the 34-degree water plunging over rocks and around anything that stands in the way.  In my dry suit, that took 30 minutes to put on, I look like I belong on Star Trek more than in a raft.  I can barely feel my feet and hands because of the tight rubber bands on my wrists and ankles. The rubber shoes on top of two layers of socks are supposed to keep my feet dry.  The one piece suit reminds me of footy pajamas my children wore when they were babies…only it is heavy rubber.  I am zipped in up to the rubber turtle neck around my throat.  I have on a stocking hat, knit gloves, and rubber dish washing gloves on top of that.  Then comes the life jacket that has to fit “snuggly.”  Now they ask me to climb into the raft in while standing in rushing 34 degree water.  How in the world am I supposed to do that?  I can barely put my arms down by my sides.

Once we are all suited up and in place, the adrenaline packed journey begins.  We have a guide that paddles our raft with oars.  Our job is to hold on to the “chicken rope.”  No problem there for me…I am chicken.  The excitement begins right away around the first turn in the river as we approach our first class 3 rapid.  Hannah and Peter are in the front of the raft with another couple next to them.  Bill and I as well as William and Aaron are in the back.  The raft is transformed into a roller coaster as I grip the chicken rope with both hands.  The splash is large and cold.  Now we are soaked and the sweat we worked up while dressing is gone immediately.  The smiles are wide and we all yell and want to do it again.  The river does not disappoint.  Around the next turn, another in 11 miles of one class 3 after another, we get blasted again.  By the end of the trip, we are all soaked on the outside but dry on the inside.  The cold begins to set in because our dry suits are not insulated. 

When we begin our trip the sun is out, a perfect evening for rafting.  The mountains fall right down into the river.  The trees are amazing and the birds seem to follow us.  We even see a curious beaver that swims along behind us for a ways. However, the weather changes in minutes in Alaska .  After our first 2 hours on the river, the rain begins to fall.  Fortunately, it remains a light misty rain until we removed our rafts…then the thunder starts.  We make the bus ride back to the top and get out of our suits…under them we are totally dry.  Once we get our shoes back on, we begin to warm up quickly.  The smiles are wide and the excitement high as we relive each rapid. It was a once in a life time event.  Live fully!!