Nuggets from the Fire

         (I am posting for the past couple of days at one time, while I am connected to the internet.)   
     Right now the biggest issue with the house and insurance is the inventory.  I have to list everything we lost and find how much it would cost to replace it.  Every item…individually, no matter how small.  If I want it replaced I have to list it and the cost.

I think that as our hearts are being renewed we have to take stock of what we have.  We need to make note of our blessings as we allow God to rebuild our lives.  The things that need to be trashed are also recognized, as well as how much they cost us.  In life that could be a high price tag for our sin.  We may have lost family, jobs, friends, respect…the list goes on and on.  Now is the time to determine what needs to be updated and replaced; what can be cleaned up and what needs to be hauled off for good.  An honest look at the condition of our heart is a painful thing, especially when there is a lot that needs to be disposed of.  However, it is the beginning of the new thing God will do.

  Self reflection is required if we are to learn from our mistakes.  To plow ahead without ever considering where we are is foolish. It is like driving without a map…it may be exciting at first, but eventually we are completely lost and cannot find our way home.  It is then, that we have to consider how we ever got to this place.  Taking stock of the situation is a requirement if we want complete freedom.  It takes down to the roots of the issue.  Our lives are so cluttered with stuff that we cannot see the truth of the matter.  Looking at all the clutter, and more importantly what is underneath the clutter, is critical to moving forward.

In my house, I am taking inventory.  I am hating it because it is a tedious process that is so big that it is overwhelming.  So how do you eat an elephant?  One bite at a time.  I have a couple of bites down and many more to go.  In the end, it will be worth it because I will know exactly what we have.  I have to look to the future promise, to get through this quagmire of paperwork.  To rebuild takes blood, sweat and tears…and a lot of patience.  If I can do it…you can do it.

Back to the analogy.   There are some that would try to hinder your freedom.  When your heart is open and vulnerable after a fire for example, you are reeling from the trauma of it all.  In life it is the same.  There is a season, after an awaking to your condition, which requires you to be careful who you will hang out with.  Again God does not require you to drop all of your friends and family.  He does not say “walk away,” but for your health and the sake of your freedom many times it is wise.  “But then I will be all alone,” you think.  Not so.  Then you will be with him in a way that will fill your soul, your longing will begin to be satisfied. 

We had a deal on a house.  It was a beautiful place with a fishing pond in the front yard, a place for the dogs, and cars and children.  It looked like the perfect place in the midst of our storm.  We had some reservations, but the people were nice and so we moved forward.  Unfortunately, when we went to sign the contract the facts and figures had changed. Caution is necessary during this season…though you need to avoid outright suspicion.  (Suspicion is pre-mature judgment of a person…it is not healthy because it leads to self-righteousness eventually.)  During these times of vulnerability it is easily said that you are self focused.  It is even necessary to some degree to be so.  However, you also have to be aware of your surroundings.  These people had their own issues and we determined that we did not need theirs on top of the ones we already have.  It was a huge disappointment to me particularly.  In fact, I lost it.  It hurt my heart because of the circumstances, yet I know that God used it in our lives and theirs.  He also provided another place for us.  All of that to say, when God is changing your direction in life he will lead and guide you all the way through.  I believe with all my heart that he leads your steps along the way and uses any setbacks for his glory. 

Sometimes it is others that hold you back from walking away from your sin.  They have an expectation that you will always and forever be the person you were.  To change in that kind of environment is next to impossible because they cannot help but see you as you have always been. Once your heart has been rescued and the fire put out it is damaged.  It takes a while to go through the rebuilding process, a lifetime really.  Sometimes that is difficult for others to understand, and it is then that the dependence on God comes in handy.  Taking a stand for your own freedom is exhilarating…and painful…all at the same time.  I guess what I am saying is to guard your heart, even in its damaged condition…especially then. God is working always.  Always.  When you cried out for rescue he came.  But he does not stop with rescue.  He wants total freedom for you.  He wants the old removed and the new built.  The setbacks that come are part of the process.  So is guarding your heart from those with whom it would not be safe.  A safe place is hard to find, but it is worth it when you do!  

Last night was our first sunset in our new place.  We have been going so hard we haven’t been home at sunset this week.  First let me say the view here is spectacular.  Sitting on the porch you can see almost 180 degrees of mountains.  To the left they start out low and gray with just a hint of blue in the distance.  As you move your eyes right they become closer and higher in shades of green.  There is a valley between this mountain and the next dotted with homes along the tops of the ridge.  One mountain directly in front of us is more pointed than the rest.  Next to it there is a small dip creating a curve in the view just big enough for the setting sun to slide behind.  As you move further to the right the ridgeline straightens out a bit then fade back to blue gray in the distance.  Up close we gaze out over the tops of trees, creating the illusion that we are actually sitting in a tree. 

Evidently we face directly to the west, because the sun climbs to the top of the sky to our left somewhere in the late afternoon.  It shines into our wall of windows and heats up the house, though since the first day it hasn’t made it unbearably hot.  Then it begins its decent into the waves of blue-green mountains, selecting just the right indention in the mountain tops to begin its show of colors.  A small orange ball, like a ping pong ball, it slips closer and closer to a collision with the mountains.  It stands out in the hazy blue sky but it is not spectacular…yet. 

Once the ball has disappeared just below the surface the colors begin to reflect in the sky.  Any clouds nearby are illuminated with oranges, and pinks. Textured ribbons of brilliant clouds stretch out across the wide open sky.   As the sky changes so do the mountains, starting with a blush of pink then deepening into a misty purple before they become charcoal. All of this takes place to a chorus of birds singing their evening songs just before the main concert of the katydids.  The “quiet” of nature is evident as the sun completes its show with the grand finale of deep purples and shades of pink.  Then darkness settles over the mountains for the night.  While I do not like being displaced from my home, this back porch will prove to be an inspirational writing spot I am sure.  God is so good to me.

            Ihit the wall yesterday.  Peoplehave been asking how I am holding up since the fire happened.  Until yesterday, I was holding thingstogether for the most part.  A fewtears here and there, but mostly just trying to move forward one step at a time.  Yesterday, moving day, I was excited tobe getting into a place we could settle. Anyone who knows me well can tell you my space is very important to me.  Even at school my office has to be justso…not neat, but arranged in a way that helps me be productive.  I like routine, and while I can gowithout it I go back to it whenever possible. 

When we went to sign our rentalcontract there were some things that were not what we had originally agreedupon.  Before we could sign weneeded approval from our insurance agent. Well for me, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.  The water works started right there inthe meeting with our landlords. Bless them.  They had noidea what was happening as I completely lost it right there in front of them.  I tried going in the bathroom, but Icould not stop the tears.  Now wehave had enough traumas in our lives for me to recognize grief when ithits.  I also know that to stuff itdown is very unhealthy.  I neededto get away so I just walked out with tears streaming down my face.  I got in Hannah’s car and drove away,embarrassing the heck out of my family and the landlords.  I went to my own house…my safeplace…and wailed for a long time. 

I think that it comes down towanting a place for my family to be able to be together and rest.  I see school starting up ahead and Ijust want to be settled.  It islike a mother hen and her nest.  Asmuch as I appreciate Bill’s mom and dad allowing us to share their home, whenschool starts we need to be closer to all our activities.  I still have to do the inventory on ourlosses, the first one I spent days making was done incorrectly.  There is just so much from so manydirections and once school begins I will be up to my neck in RTI again!  The idea that I will be opening theschool year while looking for a place to live, working on fire losses,rebuilding a house, and moving my first child to college is overwhelming to me. It gives me a sense ofdesperation.

Yesterday I had to grieve.  I had to purge the pain of loosing myhome as it was.  There are probablymore tears…they feel close to the surface now that I have let them flow.  The feeling that I am not doing allthat I need to be doing, or that I am doing things wrong, or that I will neverget it all done just makes me that much more sensitive to the stress around me.I feel as fragile as an eggshell. I know that all of this is my own expectationof myself.  But this is what I amtalking about when I say I like my space and routine.  It gives me a sense of order in the midst of chaos.  Imagine being plucked from your restfulsummer and thrown into a complete disaster of moving twice in one week.  It is a nightmare that is flowing assmoothly as can be expected in such a situation.  Yesterday was snag.

To finish the story, we did notmove.  We do not think theinsurance company will agree to the terms in the contract, but will not knowfor sure until Monday.  In themeantime, we spent the rest of the day trying to find a place to rent.  Octoberfest is right around the cornerso we have been unsuccessful so far. There is a possible house we are going to look at today.  Going from having a nice little placeback into the hunt was difficult for me because it felt like we are movingbackwards.  All of my prayerbuddies out there please pray that we find something soon that will meet theneeds of our family.  (Also please pardon any spacing issues on this blog, somehow on the computer I am using it messesup in the transfer from word document to blog text.)