Nuggets from the Fire

       To my left, I see midnight blue mountains rolling in the distance. They blend with the lighter blue-gray sky.  In the foreground, the closer mountains are green with wisps of white clouds floating heavenward.  The mist between the mountains looks like smoke, only it lies in the lowlands allowing the tops of the mountains to peek through.  Straight in front of me the taller mountains have a commanding presence above the mist.  They tower over the smokey fingers of white that are grasping at the sky.  As the clouds roll across the valley below they thicken to a blanket that covers everything to my right.  Over my head the sun shines through the cotton, while over the mountains dark storm clouds are raining in the distance.  Some of the cotton is pink now, adding a delicate blush of color to the scene.  The fluffy white blanket is spreading now and soon there will be no mountains at all; only clouds.  More rain may be on the horizon, but for now the clouds are content to float lazily as if in slow motion. 

The rain has been a welcome friend these past couple of days.  Trees have been waving their arms in thanks.  The rivers are high and the streams are gurgling; singing with new enthusiasm.  All the earth is praising God.  I must join my voice and thank him for the rain.  

         I thought I was handling Hannah’s move so well, until Saturday. We went to Lowes to pick out light fixtures for the house. Seemed like an easy task…just go in and find the lights like the ones we have. Sounds like a breeze, only they don’t make those lights anymore and the more I looked the more frustrated I got. Fussing at Bill and Peter I should have seen the underlying problem was NOT the house. It took a whole day of stress building up before I finally melted down. Ah ha! There could be more to these tears than the stress of home building! You would think I would have been suspect before 7:00 p.m. but no, it took until then for the emotions to completely surface.
      It is the most out of the ordinary kind of grief I have faced. It hurts and there is loss, but also I am excited about Hannah’s growth. I have talked to her and she is doing wonderfully. She is making new friends and settling into a routine. Her first classes were today and she was relieved afterwards because the work load on the syllabus’ seemed manageable. After hearing how hard college work is for the past year, she had built it up in her mind to near impossible. The worry that she wouldn’t be able to handle it seems to have abated, and she is excited about learning new things.
       My emotions are vacillating between sadness at the changes this has brought, and excitement about Hannah’s future. It is like a roller coaster ride. Mostly I am fine, though I can feel tears close to the surface. The stress of the house, even though it is coming along, is not helping the situation. If I could go and sit in my own bedroom to deal with my feelings I think it wouldn’t be as hard. Soon I know that this will all be a memory and the adjustment will be made. The new relationship with my adult daughter will grow. The house will be finished and home will be home once again. I am looking forward to that stability, but embracing yet another chance to get closer to my Lord as I fumble my way along this new path. It is a good thing and a God thing!

On Wednesday I left a part of my heart in
Rome.  It was move-in day at Berry, and we took Hannah bright and early. There were Berry Bellhops dressed in orange shirts that helped to unload the truck. Since we were there first they were eager and fresh, which was the reason we arrived so early.  One man came into the room carrying boxes…turns out he is the new president of Berry.  We were impressed.  

Her roommate, Abby is precious and requested that we pray for their room before we began the work.  You cannot tell me God doesn’t answer prayer.  As the six of us stood hand in hand I found it hard not to start the tears right then and there. The decorating soon took my mind away from the thoughts that were hanging nearby calling for my attention.  We spent the day fixing up her room.  It was quite an event and took most of the day.  When we were finished she was living in an adorable space transformed with bright colorful fabrics and black and white photos. We were all very pleased with the result.  If it hadn’t been for the upcoming parting, the welcome ceremony and reception would have been more enjoyable.  It was awesome to be in the brand new Cage Athletic Center that did not even exist when we were there.  All and all the whole day was exciting and exhausting.  After a dinner at Olive Garden, we drove her back to the dorm to say our goodbyes and I love yous.  I made it through without a total melt down…at least in front of her.  When she walked away to go into that big oak door my heart broke into pieces. 

Let me say that I am happy for her, no doubt about that.  It was time for this monumental step and she will do great.  But there is something about realizing that your life just moved into a completely new season that causes you a pause. You see, what she does not know is that things will never be the same.  Our family dynamics have changed.  She will return for breaks, but she is on her way to her own life.  I understand that because I have been through it.  She has not.  It is hard to watch your first baby walk away.  They say that it gets easier with each one, and that by the time you get to the fourth you are kicking them out.  I can’t imagine that to be true in this moment.  Back in the truck the tears came freely…kleen-x beside me…Bill holding my hand.  

Driving out of the gate I felt as though I was leaving part of myself behind.  The only comparison I have is the feeling I had after I miscarried our first child.  At that time I told Bill it was like part of my personality was missing. It is an emptiness that cannot be easily described.  The difference is that while that was an unnatural event, this is completely natural and even voluntary choice.  I will see Hannah again, in fact, I have already talked to her twice.  The pain of the separation simply shows me that we have a great relationship.  My heart would not hurt so badly if we didn’t.  My journey through cancer drew us closer and those months will be cherished even as the year progresses and she steps into this new phase. 

God is faithful.  He is trustworthy even with our children…that are really his.  I am in the process of releasing her fully into his care.  It is a gradual process and I am looking forward to the benefits that will unfold in our relationship as the seasons change.  Until then, my emotions are riding close to the surface and a big piece of my heart is missing.

I am sitting here after packing my girl up.  We have been working for the past couple of hours and it is a bittersweet process let me tell you.  Excitement mixed with exhaustion on my part…I did have to work today.  The exhaustion leads to tears not a flood yet, but they are right below the surface.  Tomorrow the truck will be loaded while I work, then I will break away to head north.  The boys are set to stay with Bill’s mom and dad.  We will spend the night in a hotel, the same one as her roomate.  Then on Wednesday the dorm opens at 8 am.  We unload and attend the family welcome before saying goodbye sometime after dinner.  Then the long ride home with tears likely flowing the whole way.  I am ready for this…she is ready for this too.  I know that I will grieve along with the excitement.  I know there will be an empty hole that will be left…however, I am thanking God for facebook, cell phones and email.  It is easier now to keep in touch than ever before.  Please keep us all in your prayers as we make this transition.

I guess you can tell that I am back at work.  The amount of time to write has drastically decreased.  An update on the house is that they have started the re-building.  I was there yesterday and saw all fresh new lumber ready to be put in.  We are moving from a destruction zone to a construction zone.  It made me think, I know you are surprised by that. J 

The old has been ripped out.  The new is being put into place.  New life. It is another resurrection message in our lives.  The analogy moves along with the events.  The sin has been discovered in our heart.  It burned until it could not be ignored any longer.  The Savior came and put out the fire without question.  Then the work of removing the debris and taking stock of our lives began.  The deep stuff pulled out by the roots.  God-sent professionals have cleaned and washed and dumped what needed to go.  We have been relocated for a time of healing.  Now the resurrection begins.  The freedom that we have wanted from the beginning is within our reach.  God has been faithful to his word to show us the truth about ourselves, knowing the truth is what sets us free.  The freedom to make changes is upon us.  Things that have been moving at a snail’s pace are beginning to move faster. 

            Decisions must be made; colors, carpet, furniture must all be selected.  In the analogy there are also choices.  After a dramatic rescue and healing in our lives we must decide how our lives will look.  Will we change everything or remain the same?  It is a thrilling proposition to think that we have a clean slate.  The world of possibilities is wide open and hope is bubbling out of every pore.  The feel of life pumping through you revives the tired spirit that was sin-filled.  The saturated, smelly fibers of your being are washed whiter than snow.  It is beyond anything that can be imagined.  This is what amazing grace is all about…the soaring of your soul, as you begin to catch the vision of what could be and how things can be different.  It is the resurrection and it is happening to YOU.  Walking through this process with the Lover of your Soul is a completely life-altering event.  You will never be the same.  Your perspective of what is important and what is not is viewed through new grateful eyes.  Compassion for others that are trapped in burning houses overflows into your actions.  Can life really be so miraculous?  You bet it can.  You were created for this freedom, from the beginning!

The first couple of days of school went smoothly.  The newness of the school year has already worn off for the kids and it is back to the grind.  The good news is that the house is starting to look like a house under construction instead of a house of destruction.  They have done most of the demo and will be starting the building at the beginning of the week.  We still are not sure how soon we will be able to move back in but it is looking so much better now that all the damaged areas are removed.  There will still need to be cleaning at the house of the furniture upstairs…though it has been moved to the garage so they could pull out the carpet…they will also spray something that is supposed to take the smoke smell out.  Hopefully it will be able to remove it all.  I still question that, but it DOES smell a lot better now that the carpet is out.   Mom and Dad have been working on getting prices on the inventory items.  I hope to get the first few pages turned in this week so the insurance company can start their estimate.  They say it will take  4 to 6 weeks for them to research our prices.  I guess we will see how that all goes as we move forward. Things are on the move…that is a good thing.

I don’t think it is a coeincedence that our house is getting started on the very same day that school starts.  It seems to me that there is a parallel.  Rebuilding, beginning anew.  It is like a fresh start.  The house is being demo-ed tomorrow…out with the old, smelly, nasty stuff.  Last year, you may remember, was the worst teaching year I have ever had…but it is gone…out with the old.  The new materials for the house are coming in…fresh and clean.  Same for school.  New ideas, new ways, new students.  It is a clean slate so to speak.  I think that there is alot of work ahead but hope is on the horizon. God never leaves us without hope.  If you cannot see it, you need to look harder…it is always there.  Sometimes it is a flicker others a blazing flame, but it is never extinguished.  It is a new day and I am smiling.

I have great news…they are starting on our house tomorrow.  The builder and the insurance company finally agreed on a price.  So in the morning they will tear up my house so they can start the rebuilding.  Hurray.  Short and sweet today because I am back at school.  More later.

            I think that being double or even triple punched is most difficult.  The fire is a hard thing to deal with, but then Jessie dying makes the fire look easy.  Next, Hannah will be leaving.  Fortunately that is a happy time, but still stressful in a good kind of way.  For Hannah, it is like her whole childhood is gone at one time.  She is quite ready to move out and start the next phase of her life.

            Such a drastic change in dynamics is unusual.  Normally, we change one thing at a time.  However, these changes are mostly forced this time.  It gives a whole new perspective to life.  The lesson I am learning from this is my same old motto from the cancer days…Live Fully.  You do not know what will happen tomorrow.  It cannot be predicted.  Who would have thought…a house fire?  I never dreamed of such.  It came completely out of the blue, seemingly so random.  I could not have predicted our dog would die…another random event.  If nothing else is taken from this occurrence I am seeing that living fully is not something to think about only when your life hangs in the balance.  It is a daily way of life.  The further out I get from my cancer, the more I get pulled back into the busyness of life.  It is easy to slip back into old habits of being more worried about the clutter in the house than in the relationships.  A fire is particularly conducive to this because all your effort is in thinking about your stuff…what you have and how much it all costs.  Yet, it is also a reality check that life is random.  We are not in control of as much as we think we are.  The unthinkable can happen in seconds and your life will never be the same. 

            We are all alive and safe…except for Jessie.  God has been so faithful to find us a place.  He has pulled us together through not only the fire, but also the death of our dog.  Now we are all trying to get in last minute Hannah time, because we know that it too is limited.  We are grateful and appreciative of each moment together. 

            As school starts back full swing, take some time to appreciate your relationships.  Allow your hardships to become reminders of your love for one another and of God’s love for you.  Simplify your life to a moment by moment journey that is uplifting to those around you.  Hardships can make your or break you…or both.  Do not get so lost in the event that you miss the value in it.  We are all on this journey of life.  Sometimes the road is harder than others, but if we learn to appreciate the bad stuff for what it can offer us, we can relish the good days even more. We know that all things are possible through Christ and that is where the rubber meets the road.  The pain is our weakness, but through it we are made strong…more opposite talk from the creator of the universe. He is such a mystery, but so completely trustworthy.    

I sit on our back porch with this spectacular morning view wondering, how do you say goodbye to a dog who helped you raise your kids?  I remember when Hannah turned 10 and Bill’s mom took her to a friends house to pick out a puppy.  It was one mass of puppy breath and wiggly tails.  When Hannah sat down on the grass they practically covered her.  Every one of them was adorable.  How do you pick when they are all trying so hard to get your attention.  She picked one of the lighter ones because they were fuzzier.  Jessie came right up and licked Hannah on the face and never left her.  For a few weeks we went everyday anticipating the day she would finally be old enough to leave her mother.  It was an exciting day when Jessie Nicole Gunnin came to live with us. 

            The kids loved her from the beginning and from the beginning she loved them.  She was house trained almost immediately because she was smart.  She wanted nothing more than to be loved and thought herself a lapdog.  Not too hard when she was a puppy, but more difficult as she grew.  The kids taught her to jump on the trampoline.  Before long she was standing at the little mesh door of the enclosure whining to get in.  Everyday she jumped…or rather sat and bounced while they jumped. 

When she wasn’t in the midst of the fun, she was standing guard over the kids’ right below.  One time when a man came over to pick up his son from our house I was shocked to see our friendly family dog turn vicious.  It seems as the man pulled up and walked towards the trampoline to pick up his son Jessie did not recognize him.  She barked, growled and bared her teeth.  Needless to say he backed off until I got there.  It was that day she went from a puppy to a mommy protecting her kids.

We eventually adopted another puppy named Rusty.  He is a far cry from smart.  When we got him he was only 2 pounds, and Jessie took him in like he was her own puppy.  She could have eaten him in one bite but instead she raised him and protected him.  They were inseparable and to watch them play and wrestle you could see her gentleness with him.  She had such a gentle heart.

We all loved that dog.  Everyone who met her loved her almost immediately because she had such a sweet spirit about her.  There are some rare dogs that steal your heart completely and you do not fully realize how much until they are gone.  She was one of our family members for sure and she will be missed greatly.  She taught my kids the meaning of unconditional love.  She taught them devotion.  They learned to care and be sensitive to others from watching her with Rusty.  They learned how to love and be loved in return.  She comforted them in sad times, because as they sat and petted her she looked at them with her eyes that seemed to understand it all.  She gave a quiet companionship through those eyes.  It is so hard to say goodbye to a pet like that.  It is painfully ironic that she survived the fire only to die like she did.  It is just wrong on so many levels. 

I know that God is good and still sits on the throne, but I would have liked for this to have been played out differently.  I know that he knows what he is doing and I am okay with that, but to watch my kids suffer tears my heart out.  maybe the tears that are flowing are a release of pent up feelings from the fire.  Maybe in the long run this is helping them to grieve all the changes.  Now it has been a couple of days, life is moving once again.  We are gearing up for school and Jessie’s passing is already not stinging as much as it did that first day.  We are each having our moments of sadness, but it is not all encompassing as it was. 

She was a beautiful dog in every way. And though it is hard to say goodbye, the lessons we learned from her and the fun we had with her will live on.  We are all a bit lost without her, but we will find our way and be compassionately stronger because of it.  She was such a blessing and if dogs really do go to heaven, she is sitting at the feet of Jesus…nudging his right hand trying to get him to pet her.