Nuggets from the Fire

This is getting old really fast. As you know last Sunday night Peter went to the ER and they found nothing wrong.  On Monday, our family doc took more blood and still it showed nothing wrong.  She referred us to a pediatric gastro specialist and we scheduled the soonest appointment they had…in May.  Our doc said if he had pain again to take him to Scottish Rite ER because that would get the gastro doc he needed faster.

            At 9:00 pm last night, one week from his last ER trip, Peter began having pain again.  This time it was not in his back but had radiated around to his right side.  He took his pain meds and tried to go to sleep.  About 12:30 am he was back up doubled over in the most pain I think he has had yet.  We did what our doctor had suggested and took him down to Scottish Rite.  I was prepared for an appendectomy because it just seemed the pain was now presenting like an appendix.  Again, more tests, just like the ones he had last week. Again, nothing abnormal.  She ruled out appendix because his inflammation rate was normal and so was his white count.

 They gave him a bag of fluid…no change.  They gave him pain meds…no change…not even sleep.  They did an ultra sound…nothing.  Blood work and urine all came back normal.  They called the gastro doc and he prescribed a stomach med.  They put it through his IV and his pain went down considerably.  So, they wrote us a prescription to give him at home and sent us on our way at 9:00 this morning.  We also got our doctors appointment moved up to next week…the soonest they have.  This is frustrating to say the least.  I know something is wrong but no one can find it.  I am encouraged that at least we have found something that seems to point us in one direction or another.  Not to mention we have a specialist now that may be able to help us narrow things down.  I was so convinced when we left here this morning that he would be having surgery…I still think it is most likely his appendix.  We had several trips to the ER before Bill finally had his appendectomy, years ago.  For now, we will go through the protocols but we request your prayers.  Peter is tired of being a pincushion…I can relate to that feeling. For today, sleep is the top priority.  This was a long, long night.  I haven’t been this tired since I was a teenager at a lock in.

I wanted to update you on Peter.  Many of you know that he has been suffering this winter with a sinus infection that would not go away.  The good news is that it is finally gone!!! It only took 4 rounds of antibiotics.  However, for the past three weeks he has been having a pain in his abdomen.  It is on the right side on his back right over his kidney.  It has been progressively been getting worse until Sunday night when we ended up in the ER.  They have run a multitude of tests, from blood work, urine, CT scans and ultrasounds.  So far every thing has come up normal, yet he is still in pain.  We go for another dr appointment on Thursday afternoon to see the results of the latest round of blood work.  They have ruled out kidney infection, kidney stones, gall stones and several other things.  All the blood work is normal so there does not appear to be an infection…no fever either.  They do not think it is his appendix, because his white count is not elevated.  Now they have put him on Zantac to make sure it is not his stomach flaring from so many antibiotics.  So far, that has not helped his pain at all.  We are kind of shooting in the dark, trying to eliminate one thing at a time. They are thinking it is viral at this point and want to do another mono test even though the first one came back negative.  If you don’t mind praying when the Lord puts him on your heart we would appreciate it.  Tonight he seems slightly better so I am hoping that the source, whatever it is, is resolving itself.

I guess you have noticed I haven’t written a lot lately.  It is because I am reading.  My topic? The Holocaust.  Tough stuff.  Two of my kids have been assigned books written from inside concentration camps.  It is of interest to me because I a writing a children’s book about it right now.  I know I know….not quite a children’s topic.  To me, putting a hard topic, rich with deep meaning, into a story simple enough for children is part of the challenge.  I am wrestling over this partially written manuscript…thinking I may be onto my first middle school novel rather than a picture book.  How to simplify it enough is the problem, how to write gently while still covering the facts…it is my current mental activity.  I wrote my first scene before the assigned books of my children showed up at my house.  I thought maybe reading them would give me some more insight.  I was right.  However, not much of what I am reading is suitable for children.  I am not one to shy away from a tough topic so I will keep hammering it out. 

I feel compelled to write this story even though it has little market value and most likely would not be something a publisher would jump to publish.  Yet I feel as though it needs to be written, so I will write it.  Where it goes from there is not my issue. 

There is a quote from the book Night by Elie Wiesel that is sinking into my brain. (That is the book that William is reading for school)  The quote says “Books no longer have the power they once did.  Those who kept silent yesterday will remain silent tomorrow.” Those two lines are powerful when considering the topic of which he is writing.  Of course, “those that kept silent” are the ones that did not speak against the atrocities, but in my world I am the one that keeps silent.  Not in the same way the author refers too, but even today in my own life I feel the command of those words.  Subjects for my writing are not nearly as poignant but still there are words to be written.  The question is will I remain silent?  Will I hold my words in or share them? My testimony may not capture the world’s interest but it is important none the less. The stories I write are for entertainment and to inspire deep thought at the same time.  The balance of the two is tricky and I am just learning.  I committed in January to step into my writing.  Now I am trying to carry that out.

They say that we are the sum total of our experiences; that each and everything we go through shapes who we become.  I don’t know that I believe that completely, but it is true that life gives us many opportunities to shape our thoughts and convictions. 

Peter has been fighting a stubborn sinus infection for over a month.  He has had 3 rounds of antibiotics, blood work, a flu test, two strep tests, a mono test and now a CT scan.  We are trying to get to the bottom of why he is not getting better.  The other day, after another round of tests, he asked me a question.  “Mom, can you get cancer in your sinuses?”  That question opened the window to his fears and broke my heart.  It also showed me that even though we as a family survived the battle with cancer, our minds were forever affected.  It is like innocence was robbed from my children, as is evidenced by Peter’s simple question. 

I know, I know…they can’t stay pain free forever.  Something at some point in life will break the bubble of childhood and they will come to the reality that life can be hard and full of heartbreak.  They will learn that life isn’t always fair and that you cannot always predict the outcome.  I think the thing to remember is that life experiences DO shape them…and us.  We cannot undo the fact that I had cancer and that Peter’s mind remembers that fact when there is unexplained illness.  We can however, remember that I survived cancer and that God is faithful.  I think it is how you allow the experience to shape you that is the important thing.  We cannot control what happens to us in life, but we can choose how we will respond to what happens. 

In our case, we could let fear take over every time we get a cold.  Or we could remember that the cancer is gone and that every day is precious.  I will not lie and tell you that I do not think about cancer.  Every time I have a test, it crosses my mind as I wait for the results.  Yet I cannot allow fear to dominate, or I will live a life imprisoned. I cannot let the losses consume me.  I must look back and see the closeness of my family, the intimacy with my God, the care of my husband, and the inspiration in my words…all that came as a direct result of the dreaded C word.  The main blessing I received was a new appreciation for life and realization that every breath is a gift.  We do not know that…I mean really know it until a tragedy strikes.  I am blessed to have a chance to live out this revelation.  Not every one is so blessed. 

Do my experiences shape me?  Yep.  Do they shape my children?  Yep.  We can see this from a simple question escapes their lips to reveal their hearts.  Is it a bad thing for us to change based on our life experiences?  It is only bad if we close our hearts to the process.  After all we are being formed in his image.  The word formed implies that it is an ongoing work. In the midst of a hardship we have to look for his hand.  We have to focus on the good, while still acknowledging the bad. Otherwise, we are pretenders.  It is not our experiences alone that determine who we become.  We must remember he is the potter; we are the clay…so he uses these life experiences to shape us…if we let him.

I have a new T-shirt that was given to me by a dear friend.  For those of you that frequent Curves, you will recognize the words on the front. It is their February shirt and it says, “Don’t underestimate the power of this woman.”  When I first saw it go up on the monthly t-shirt display I knew I had to own one.  It is the first of their shirts that I just had to have.  Maybe it is surviving cancer, or all the other stuff we have been through over the years, but something about it validates my experiences.  I may look like an over weight, middle-aged woman…but there is power here.  I don’t credit myself for it either.  I know to whom I owe my life and where the power comes from. 

The irony of this shirt is that most of us underestimate the power that is within us.  The shirt shouts to the world the very thing that most women struggle to believe.  We were created with a unique feminine quality that offers strength to those around us.  God put it there, yet we don’t feel powerful…we feel…tired.  It doesn’t matter the age, or circumstances there are a host of everyday events that steal our joy and inner strength.  God designed us to carry his glory and power to the world.  We have something to offer and yes, we should boldly say “don’t underestimate me.”  I would make one slight change to the wording of the shirt…from “of” this woman to “in” this woman, because there is nothing I can do on my own.  It is the power of God IN me that has given me strength to endure hardship and trials.  It is HIS power that you better not underestimate.  In these trying times, we can proclaim with complete confidence that “God power” disguised as “girl power” will see us through. Never, ever underestimate what God can do with you.