Nuggets from the Fire

Many of you heard about my trip to the ER Wednesday night, with what felt a great deal like labor pains. I have to tell you that fear was my first response to abdominal pain. I wish I could say my faith rose up to battle but it did not. In fact, though the results of my CT scan show nothing amiss, I still am pushing fear away. It is not fear of the hospital or even of pain really, it is fear of a cancer recurrence. I know that my kids are also experiencing similar fear from the questions they are asking me about how this compares to last time. It is there, in the back of all of our minds, and I thought to bring it out in the light might diminish its hold. I am afraid. It is irrational I know, seeing the results of the tests are all good. Last month at the oncologist for a check up, she said I never looked better. All scans and blood work show no cancer. The ER tests have the same results. Yet in my head none of that matters, because the pain was too great to be nothing.

Now my heart is another matter. It says to hold steady and know that the test results are true. It says God is still in control. It says to be strong. It says all of my praying friends stepped up, and healing was the result, and that is why the doctor did not find anything. My heart is holding on to the truth. My mind is betraying me with all its questions. In this battle between head and heart, the head is winning at the moment. I find these internal battles fascinating. I guess my psychology background of trying to understand human behavior is what draws me to try to understand. I know that sometimes the head wins and other times the heart. I wonder why they do not work together more often. It seems that life would be much less stressful if they did. I have found that when my head follows my heart or vise versa I am more confident of my decisions and choices. I am more secure in my faith, I feel more balanced and secure.

As far as I know, only God can bring the two into alignment. To focus on the fear will be my downfall. It will continue to cause internal turmoil. I have learned one thing over the course of my life and it is that focus is everything. When I get my eyes on circumstances it is almost always a mistake. It doesn’t really matter what the circumstances are. I makes me think of Peter when he was trying to walk on water. His focus shifted. The waves overtook him because of it. So even though fear is licking the corners of my mind, I am going to choose to focus elsewhere. I will follow up with doctors as I feel led to, but they cannot guarantee health. God himself will not do that, but he does guarantee his presence and his faithfulness in my life, no matter the trial. I will hold to that. My eyes will be on his promises while I wait for him to synchronize my head and heart.

Anger disguises hurt. Hurt camouflages fear. Fear breeds mistrust. Mistrust kills faith. Layers. Humans use layers to protect themselves from pain. These defenses are exposed when the rug is pulled out from under us. Before then, our illusion of control remains intact. It is when we feel out of control that we see what is really in our hearts because the pressure squeezes us.

Mistrust says someone is to blame. Fear says withdraw, pull away. Hurt says hide from the pain. Anger says I want control. A wound sends alarms off in the brain. The brain responds with these emotions. Different people react differently, but ultimately the truth is God’s character is what is under attack. Sort through all the details, whatever they may be, and the bottom line is the question, “Is God trustworthy?” We wrestle with the answer to that question over all. Sometimes, we do not see the question, but it is there, if we are honest, under the emotion.

When life is out of control, and we realize it, we scramble to put the pieces back together in a way that makes sense to us. It is in that window while we are still trying to catch our breath, before we get our grasp back, that God does the most work. We are at our lowest and most dependent on him. You see, the core of faith means that we believe God is trustworthy. We say it, but in times of trial, we must decide if we believe it. The attack comes and we are afraid, because his trustworthiness is in question. However, we must remember that he is not surprised by our trial. He knew and allowed it. My guess is that he wants us to answer the questions that he raises in our minds. That is the heart of the matter. Is God good? Is he really in control? Can a man interfere with the plans of God? Am I safe from heartache? Does he really work ALL things for good? All of these questions rise up to equal one big question…IF THIS TERRIBLE THING CAN HAPPEN, CAN I STILL TRUST GOD?

If we do not see the questions, we lash out at those around us. We hide and withdraw from relationships. We gossip and slander others to try to regain a sense of control. We fight. Rather than seeking the truth, we settle for falsehood. The truth is that if we use our emotions as warning flags, we can see beyond them to the heart of the question God is asking us as individuals. That is why he allows trials to begin with, to challenge us into being honest with him. No pat cliché answers will work when you are in a storm. If they do, you are not looking deep enough. Ask him to show you the root of your emotions in the midst of traumatic circumstance. He will do it. He is faithful to deal honestly and truthfully with your heart. When he does, your faith will rise up past the anger, hurt, fear and mistrust. It will bring hope to a difficult situation and, more importantly, your heart.

Three children, two boys and a girl, raced to the shore giggling as they went. The boys must’ve been 6 and 7, the girl 4. Stairsteps, dressed in clothes rather than swimming suits. Maybe they came straight from the car at the end of a long journey. I do not know. What I do know is that they were thrilled to see the ocean, quite possibly for the first time, gauging from their reaction. They caught the eye of most everyone on the beach with their squeals of delight. It appeared that they were going to run headlong into the surf until the fizzing foam rose up on the sand just short of their feet…stopping them in their tracks. They waited until the water slid back, then they advanced. When the next wave came crashing, they ran back up keeping just ahead of it. Up and back, up and back. They continued their joyous game of tag with the sea. Never once did they get wet, making sure to stay far enough back to avoid it.

Then they got a little more brave, standing so that just their toes got wet. Shrill screams of pleasure were the result. Above the crashing of the waves, you could hear bits and pieces of their conversation, but more of their laughter and sheer playful squealing. Soon all three of them were standing close enough that when the waves broke they were in the splash zone. Holding their shorts and dress up high to avoid soaking their clothes proved to be feudal. The boys decided to stand in one place while the sand moved away under their feet with each wave. The girl was finished and was back up with her grandma. Soon the boys were knee deep in sand, still oblivious to the way they had captured the attention of everyone. To me it seemed as if they were playing tag with God. The happiness was shining from their thrilled faces.

Just down the beach was another young boy. Maybe 4 or 5. He too was playing in the waves. Dressed for the day he wore a bathing suit with the floats sewn into it. He too was running to and fro, and from time to time sitting in the sand to gather shell fragments, his red curly hair shining in the sun. Soon his father came out of the ocean where he had been riding waves. He held out his hand for his son to come to him. The boy hesitated only a second before grabbing hold. The look on the son’s face was one of apprehension, but his trust of his father overcame the fear. Soon the two were out in the surf riding the waves. The boy was on his father’s back holding on around his neck. More giggles and hollering followed. The two were living in the moment, the father exuberant in showing his son what the ocean was like, the son just thrilled to be with the father exploring new territory.

These were two beautiful scenes playing side by side on the beach yesterday. The enthusiasm of the day made time stand still for all of these children. They will always remember this day. I think we are like the children. There is an ocean of God’s love and mercy we were given in which to play. We come and at first, we are enthralled just to look at it. We are amazed. Then we get a bit more brave, and begin to test the water. We put our toes in, then ankle deep. We long to go into the deeper places of his love, but we are not confident, and it looks scary, so we are content to joyfully play along the shore. But the Father, God, invites us to come further. He holds out his hand and waits for our response. Will we go deeper? Will we let him show us the thrills of the waves of his mercy and grace? In order to arrive in the unfathomable depth of his love we must trust him. Even when it is scary, we must know that he will care for us. He is safe and he longs to demonstrate that to us. We cannot comprehend how deep he will take us if we will hold fast to him. His love is as bottomless as the ocean. His grace washes over us like the waves. His mercy is unending as far as you can see. If you take his hand, you will never look at the ocean the same again.

Sun. Sand. Surf. Ahhhh. I don’t know what it is about the beach that makes me relax. I am not even a beach person really. I much prefer the mountains, but there is just something about the waves and wind here that mesmerizes me; maybe it is the constant fizz of the foam, the thunderous crashing of the water upon the sand, or the simple way my kids laugh while playing. Majestic. It makes me realize how enormous God must really be to look out as far as I can see and find nothing but water. It feels so big and I feel small. My problems feel small, like they don’t matter that much after all. For a few days, the hectic pace of life is swallowed up and washed away by the sea. Family togetherness and fun rule. Jigsaw puzzles, books and games are all that exist. Body surfing, sunning and sand castles are the order of each day. Tomorrow will take care of itself. Things seem simpler while at the beach, and that is why we come. Even for just a few moments of time together, that will blow away with the wind when we return home. God is good. He is big. He is in control. If he commands the waves, he can handle my children going to college. If he is consistent enough to bring 16 waves a minute to the shore, he can handle my new job assignment. If mountains of sand and sea grass allow him to arrange their days, so can I. He whispers on the wind…I am. Sitting at the sea, I believe him. No question. He is. That is all I need to know. It is all that matters. Ahhh.

I was asked to give a testimony today at church.  Many of you have asked for me to post it…so here it is…

In my forty-five years, I have learned that life is full of complications. Up until a certain age, it didn’t look that hard to me. Then as a new bride, I received a call from the ER, saying my husband was in a coma. It was a dark day. I felt stunned and scared, but God whispered, “You are not alone.” When Bill threw his food at me when I was feeding him, it was a dark day. I felt sad and angry, but God said, “Hold on to me, I am your rock.” When Bill didn’t remember how to play the piano I was grieved, but God said, “I am the healer watch me my daughter…watch what I will do.” Dark days turned into dark months, but God had a secret place in the darkness. He whispered in my ear each and every day because his Holy Spirit is the comforter.

Many months later, I was in the ER losing our first child. It was a dark day. I felt abandoned, but God whispered, “I will never leave you or forsake you.” I felt empty but God said, “I will fill you. Come to the secret place and let me sing over you” and I did.

Three years ago, the doctor said, “you have cancer.” My breath left me and tears flowed. It was a dark day. I felt terrified, then God whispered, “Even when you do not know the outcome…trust me.” In a dressing room, weeping with no hair, no eyebrows, no energy, and a hole in my gut, it was one of many dark days. I was in anguish and I felt ugly, but God said, “you are beautiful my precious one.” In the secret place, I believed him.

Last year, fire trucks rolled up to our burning house. It was a dark day. I felt violated by the flames, water and smoke, but God said, “It is only stuff.” Digging through the rubble with toxic fumes clawing my throat and eyes, I felt…grateful to be alive, to have my family, and to know my God. In the quiet place God said, “Your security is in my love for you.”

I have found that in life’s complications, there is darkness, but it is in the darkness that God speaks his life changing secrets to my heart. It is here he teaches me what matters for eternity and what does not. Among our confusion, anger, fear and sadness is a quiet place where he whispers his truths. My question is can you hear him?

Oh Father, we are humbled that during the complexities of our lives that you love us enough to speak your words of truth. We are grateful that in our days of darkness you show us what is important and what is not, and that you whisper in our ears.

Jesus, we worship you, because the walk up Golgotha’s hill was a dark day. You felt alone and afraid, and God… was silent. You endured his silence so that we would not have to. We are in awe of a love that powerful.

Holy Spirit, draw us now to the quiet secret place and open our ears to hear what the father is speaking. Help us to respond as if he is the only one that matters. Amen.

The singing of the birds is melodious this morning as I sit on the porch at a bed and breakfast in Highlands, NC. Do not underestimate the power of a weekend, really 24 hours, away from your everyday life. It is a refreshing treat for Bill and I to be celebrating our 23rd anniversary basking in nature. The wildflowers are out and in full bloom…God is smiling again. I think his wildflowers are his messages to us. Have felt that way since I was a child. I am just fascinated with how they grow unbidden in the middle of nowhere. The waterfalls are a whole different thing…powerful and beautiful at the same time. How fresh the air feels on my face as we ride with the windows down, enjoying the sights and smells of the woods. Randomly visiting shops and trails alike we mosey along at our own pace. Like the old days, when we used to go through antique shops that dotted our path. It is like we are on a slower speed for these few stolen hours, but the rewards of peace are a great return for our time. Reconnecting and just enjoying being together are the best gift of the getaway. Meandering. Gallivanting. Ambling. No schedule. No rush. LOVE IT!!!